I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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