can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
