Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
