She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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