this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
