Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
