I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You can't just leave with hair like that
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
