The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
