i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
