He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
