just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
