My sheets look like a crime scene.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
