i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
