you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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