I heard we made out
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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