never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
