Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
