yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
