it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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