I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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