wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
