First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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