he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
