I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
