I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Randomize
