i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
My life is pants optional.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
