Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
this is an emotional support booty call
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