My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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