so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
