my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
