just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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