Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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