sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
