also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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