I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
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