I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
