Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
