We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
