On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
