Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
