I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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