wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
