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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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