nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
