I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
