So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
This house was built for laser tag.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
