I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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