I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
