Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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