Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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